sometimes i uncontrollably lie about things, small stupid things, that really don’t matter. because in the moment i feel like it will make me seem more interesting. and 90% of the time it’s completely automatic and unconscious until the words come out of my mouth and i’m like, “what the fuck? my life isn’t a novel. i don’t get the artistic license to exaggerate things and twist the truth” yet there are times when i cannot help myself. i see the opportunity and i take it. sometimes i lie to spare people’s feelings. because if i’m completely honest 100% of the time, not everything i say is going to be what people want to hear. i don’t want anything i say to come across as hurtful to another person. sometimes i pretend to be more interested in a conversation or activity than i really am, and a majority of the time i’m silently thinking to myself “i really don’t care. can this be done yet? i’m over it. i wonder if they can tell how bored i am right now” while i silently smile and nod at whoever’s speaking. i often get sick of being so nice to people, but at the same time it’s a reflex and i can’t help it. other people’s needs seem to come above my own when i’m around them. i forget about what it is I want or what it is I care about because the #1 concern on my mind is whether i am doing everything i can to make this other person, usually a stranger, as comfortable and happy as can be. sometimes i avoid talking to strangers because i feel like i am doing them a favor sparing them the small talk. sometimes i’ll engage in small talk with them because i don’t want them to feel awkward in the silence. it all depends on who i’m around. other times things will spill out of my mouth, things that i never meant to say, in fact i usually manage to say the exact opposite of what it is i truly wanted to say. i wonder if my social anxiety developed as a form of “mind reading” – as in i feel like i’m reading people’s minds and assuming that they don’t/won’t like me, don’t want to talk to me, want to do their own thing and not have me interrupt it, don’t care to spend their time on me, will only start a conversation out of a feeling of obligation – and i apply this to everyone i come across, and avoid them out of both courtesy and fear that i will upset them with my presence. that’s all it really is. a constant feeling of thinking i’m not good enough. that i won’t say the right things in conversation, i won’t have the right interests, hobbies, talents, life experiences, opinions, i’m not pretty enough to live up to their standards. these are literally the thoughts that go on in my head constantly. i feel that i am doing everyone a favor by avoiding them. but at the same time, through avoiding them, i am also saving myself from the pain or heartbreak of exposing myself to these people and being rejected for the above reasons ^. it’s a vicious cycle you see? but it’s all based around my belief system towards myself. if i can change that, if i can train my mind to believe that i am enough, that i am worthy, that i am special, and loved, and intelligent, and beautiful, then maybe. just maybe. i can start being around people and feeling normal around them instead of feeling like i have to hide every aspect of myself from everyone at all times.
Aw. I forgot about my lil secret blog. *hugs self*
the glow around the moon 