ugly:
neurotypical people be like: sweetie :))))))) i understand what you:))re going through :)) but we all have:)those:)days:))u just need to appreciate the good š in life. some people:)))have it way:)worse than u. just š be:)) happy:)) sweetie:))) u have evrything:))))darling (:(:
its easy to beat yourself up because youāre too anxious, too overwhelmed, or too lost to do something others seemingly do with ease. but please, remember to put everything in perspective; you never know where this person was a year ago. for all you know, they may have been feeling exactly what you feel right now. know that you can continue to work towards overcoming the challenges in your life. maybe in a year from now, someone else may be looking at you for inspiration to keep pushing on themselves.
Iām crying this is the first thing to pop up on my newsfeed after my last post
Yāknow what, Iām still not over my social anxiety and that fucking kills me. Yes Iāve made progress and I am definitely proud of myself for the baby steps I take each day, but I feel like itās not enough. At my core I still feel scared, lonely, and incapable. I hide from the outside world. I donāt avoid it as much as I used to, but that still doesnāt say much. Because whenever I get invited out somewhere I say no. Unless I have weeks to mentally prepare myself for it. At one point of my life I was perfectly content with my avoidant behavior and I even enjoyed the time to myself. But I am at a point now where it just feels pathetic.. my heart yearns to be out there making connections with others, attending events that call out to me, and being unapologetically me in every setting. But I feel held back by this invisible force within myself that restricts me from ever expressing myself the way I want to. What is it? Why canāt I just say what I mean? Why canāt I do what I feel? Why canāt I stop doubting myself for one second and let myself fully absorb the moment? I feel like a robot in social settings. I react to the situation and form my ātemporary personalityā based upon who is around me and what I think theyād like to see/hear. I change my voice to two pitches higher and smile three times more than I usually would just to keep up appearances for other people. I donāt talk about the things I want to; instead I bring up things that are deemed ānormalā topics for people to discuss… or I allow people to steer the conversation wherever theyād like and I simply respond. But this is the exact opposite of how I WANT to act!! Yet I canāt stop myself. It hurts my heart so badly to have my true self be hidden from the rest of the world. To keep myself from actually living. Iām merely surviving. Almost even acting.. I wonder where this compulsive need to please other people at the expense of my own sanity came from. It hurts so bad. I canāt keep living like this. I canāt believe after everything Iāve been through this year, progress wise, that I still have thoughts like āI donāt want to be alive anymore if this is what life will look like for me.ā I need to save myself from myself. I need to love myself. I need to stop caring what other people think about me. Complete strangers too! I am a prisoner to peopleās thoughts of me and Iām stuck in a loop that I canāt break myself out of. So I hide. And I take part in self-destructive behaviors because I feel so bad about myself, but that only leads me to feel worse. Iām lost and completely terrified of how Iām going to get myself out of this. 6 years now Iāve actively been working on this fucking social anxiety and it seems like there is no cure. Itās just who I am. I hate who I am. (The sad thing is, I donāt hate who I am when I am completely safe within the corners of my four walls without another soul in sight. But as soon as thereās someone else around me, Iām not myself anymore. And I hate whoever it is that I become.)
So our furniture isnāt built yet, but that doesnāt stop us from throwing down a mattress and taking weekend trips!
Tsuneo Enari, takenĀ from his exhibition, āJapan and its Forgotten Warā.
All I want is for someone to snap random candid photos of me every day in my happiest, purest moments without my knowledge so that I can know what I look like when Iām unaware that any eyes are on me. Is that too much to ask for?
the glow around the moon 