No matter how often I think I can’t stand it anymore, I always do. There is no alternative. I don’t fall, I don’t foam at the mouth, faint, collapse or die. It’s the same for all of us. You can’t get out of the inside of your own head. Something keeps you going. Something always does.
(via wordsnquotes)
Blackfeet Indian Reservation, Montana by Thomas VanSelus
You use a glass mirror to see your face; you use works of art to see your soul.
I believe that over the years I have perfected the art of making it seem like I have my shit together, when really, I still struggle with many of my past demons on a daily basis. At least in regards to my Tumblr. I just took a trip down memory lane reading through my old posts and asks; back when I didn’t have many followers at all, this was a place where I could be completely vulnerable and share my thoughts and experiences in a way that was much more raw and uncensored. Not to say that I have a huge audience now but it’s guaranteed that a handful of eyes will read whatever I write, so I am much more aware and self-conscious about it. I don’t want to appear as that person who is constantly complaining or tearing myself down. So instead I tend to keep it in when I am feeling particularly low, or even when I’m riding out a high. Because I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging either. The result is a condensed and polished version of what I am feeling- much like the person I present myself as to people I know in real life. Sometimes I feel like I’m just this shell of a person when I’m around other people. I don’t reveal much of anything that’s on the inside and on the outside I’m merely a mirror that reflects back to people exactly what they want to see in me. Just to keep them happy. I have a different persona with every single person in my life. Not to say that the personas aren’t all me, because they are, just different pieces of the puzzle. And sometimes it’s hard to say whether what I’m saying or doing is genuinely coming from the bottom of my heart or if it’s me trying to please someone else by presenting them with what I know they need to see. I also feel like I’ve been through so much and proclaimed that I am “healing” over and over again to the point where it’s almost unacceptable to admit that I still experience moments of complete helplessness. But I still feel the lows from time to time. And that’s natural. The difference is in the greater frequency and intensity of highs that I feel in-between each low. I guess my point is that Tumblr used to be my outlet. A place where I vented absolutely anything that came to mind without a second thought; it was my escape from reality. But I think that I’ve become too aware of the fact that there are eyes on me on here so I go into my all too familiar ‘people pleasing’ mode and water everything down so it’s more socially acceptable. I don’t need to carry that burden online in addition to my personal life. I believe that being as real as possible is what pushes us to grow and heal most and as I am taking strides to let people see pieces of the real me more often outside of Tumblr, I need to get back to doing that on it as well… for the sake of my own sanity. Sorry for the random tangent. Woops, no I’m not (!!!!! glad I caught that one)
the year of letting go, of understanding loss. grace. of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘you are not kind’. the year of humanity/humility. when the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. everyone i’ve met this year, says the same thing ‘you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’. the year i broke open and dug out all the rot with own hands. the year i learnt small talk. and how to smile at strangers. the year i understood that i am my best when i reach out and ask ‘do you want to be my friend?’. the year of sugar, everywhere. softness. sweetness. honey honey. the year of being alone, and learning how much i like it. the year of hugging people i don’t know, because i want to know them. the year i made peace and love, right here.
the glow around the moon 