Category: Uncategorized

So, he said it.

I made myself a promise that I’d actually go to a party with my boyfriend last night, and I ended up getting so drunk that I had to leave 10 minutes into it and instantly fell asleep (I remember none of this). Why did I get so drunk? Because just the thought of going out terrifies me. I’m not good at that stuff. I get panic attacks walking down fucking grocery store aisles if anyone acknowledges my existence. You want me to go to a party and be social and have FUN? Impossible. But I will make compromises to make my boyfriend happy because even though he continually insists otherwise, I know he must get bored sometimes. He’s got to feel that itch to get out and do something outside of the things we both enjoy doing together. And he does. Whenever I’m away or I need to take a day to myself, he’s out there doing exactly that. But it isn’t enough and that’s been my biggest fear going into this relationship. That my company alone will not be enough. Soon my fears will become a real problem because I’ll hold him back from doing things he wants to do simply because I’m incapable. And it will get old. And difficult. And no longer worth the trouble. This morning he was totally understanding of what happened and reassured me that everything’s okay but he later added, “it sucks that we aren’t able to do that kind of stuff together.” We aren’t able to? More like I’m not able to and you’re starting to resent me for it… I try my hardest to get over my fears but every day is a brand new struggle. It’s not something I have control over and it fucking breaks my heart that I’m not able to overcome it. It feels like it’s getting worse the older I get because I see the space in between where I am and where I SHOULD be growing larger and the small victories I have are nothing when I look at the big picture. I am afraid of life. I am afraid to live. And now my fear is getting in the way of the one thing I hold closest to my heart, the person I love the most… and there’s nothing I can do but pray that it doesn’t get to the point where it’s an actual issue instead of a passing thought. I need to get better. Not just for me anymore, but in order to keep my relationship going strong. I just don’t know how. I feel so small and scared.

theglowaroundthemoon:

I always think about the most random things. Like I’ll be driving on the freeway and I’ll look around me and think to myself, “I wonder where everyone’s going. I wonder what’s on their mind. What emotions are they feeling? Who’s driving to go see their family? Who’s going on their first date? Who’s driving to go adopt a new pet? Who just came back from a funeral? I wonder if any of these people just broke up with their significant others and are driving home with a broken heart. Or is anyone about to go cheat on their significant other? Who’s just going to get something to eat?” I don’t know. Everyone has a story.. And other people’s stories are so interesting to me. I’m always curious. Even about little trivial things like looking at the moon. Whenever I see it, it comforts me knowing that anyone else can look up from wherever it is that they are and see the same moon. I wonder how many people are looking at it right now. I wonder how many people are thinking the same thing as me right now. Ah I could go on and on about this. Idk I’m weird

Still true